When’s the last time you took a life inventory? You really looked at your life and analyzed yourself, your company, your partner, your dreams, all of it.
I was the girl who always had a disposable camera in her hand at all times. Taking photographs of butterflies in the yard, making my parents model, our childhood pets. Heck, I even used to pose them in baskets and blankets as if they were babies (I’ve gotta find these photos – I’ll update this post when I find them). I’ve always been enamored by photograph’s. I would look at our family albums for fun. It captivated me and I loved the idea of preserving memories. I could almost see the joy through the photograph and would make up my own narrative as to what was happening. My parents didn’t have a traditional wedding. They got married in a courthouse, with maybe one photograph that I’ve never even seen. This always crushed me. I wondered what kind of dress my mom wore, how young they looked, what they did after.
I was also the girl in high school who had the digital camera in one hand and disposable camera in the other. I felt so cool and I used that thing at every hangout, prom, you name it. I practically lived at the Walgreens photo center pickup. I used Facebook as my online photo gallery. Naming every album as the event, tagging my friends, feeling excited that I took these photos of them. I was the girl who didn’t want to forget a single moment of life. I wanted to preserve every single memory.
Fast forward, roughly, 8 years later, I became a mom. My photography fascination peaked again. I was obsessed with my baby (as most moms are). I scavenged Craigslist and Facebook Marketplace for a fantasy camera. We couldn’t afford to hire a photographer so I was determined to become one. Heck, I had years of experience, right? I could do this. For my first Mother’s Day, my husband bought me a Canon Rebel. I cried. My dreams had finally come true. I was about to capture this baby’s every milestone. I wanted our lives to be remembered, and I was already imagining the Facebook Albums I was about to create LOL.
My marriage was rocky. There were ups, but there were a lot more downs. I was a new mom, in college trying to finish my degree, young, and broke. I begged moms to let me photograph their kids, for free. If I got invited to a wedding, my first question was “Do you have a wedding photographer?”. If they didn’t, I was photographing that day, for free. My light was coming back, and I knew my marriage was doomed. I poured everything into this hobby. My happiness, sadness, heartbreak, it was my outlet.
I started getting requests to photograph other children, friends asking if I could bring my camera to their events, and even a few weddings. Weddings absolutely terrified me, by the way. I was responsible for capturing the most important day of their life, and I felt completely unfit to do so. Talk about feeling like a fraud. Eventually, I started charging for these sessions. I was pumped!
One year later, I found myself divorced at 23, with a 2 year old, with a corporate job, and a side photography business. Talk about going through the motions, but I did it with a smile on my face. I needed the money from the corporate job and I needed the light from the photography business. It was a balance. After 5 years of doing this, I was burnt out. I needed to choose one. I stepped away from the photography business. The corporate job was secure. I had a stable income each month, benefits, 401K, all the things. I told myself I’d step away for a year, find my why, relight my spirit and passion, and I’d go from there. Well, here we are two years later. Yep, two years. I still photographed weddings and portrait sessions, but I cut the number in half. I was burnt out and could only give so much of myself to so many clients. To me, photography is so much more. I didn’t want to show up on someone’s wedding day with a bad attitude or thinking of where else I’d rather be. I only accepted weddings that I knew would light me up. I genuinely fell in love with these clients.
This time away has allowed me to re-find my “Why”. To be that little girl wanting to photograph pretty things. To capture memories and preserve them. To carry a digital and film camera around, comparing the two (not much has changed). I’m so excited for what’s in store for the future.
xoxo
Alexi
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